


Are We There Yet?

by PatronGoddessOfAngst



Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ?? - Freeform, A - Freeform, Angst, Fluff, Hhhhhh, Honestly I don’t even know, Lamp - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Multi, Multichaptered, Polysanders - Freeform, Unfinished, Work In Progress, eventual DLAMP - Freeform, good luck, im writing most of it at 3AM, incoherent mess, regular updates, sanders sides au, theme park, thomas sanders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 20:23:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatronGoddessOfAngst/pseuds/PatronGoddessOfAngst
Summary: Childhood best friends Logan, Virgil, Patton, and Roman venture to a far-away theme park that turns out to hold a few more secrets than they had expected...
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton/Deceit Sanders, DLAMP, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, LAMP - Relationship, Past Anxiety | Virgil/Deceit
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	1. Road Trip, Baby!

“Are we there yet?” Patton asked, drowsily rubbing his eyes after waking up from his passenger seat nap.

“Not even close,” Roman said cheerily. “You were out for fifteen minutes tops, bud.”

Patton smiled and pulled his blanket tighter around himself. “Thank God I didn’t miss anything. How far is the theme park, again?”

Logan spoke up from the back seat. “Five hours and forty-two minutes.”

“Yay!” Patton sounded genuinely excited, if not a bit tired .  To be fair, they had  picked him up at three am.

Virgil sighed. “Pat, why are you so upbeat? It’s not even four yet, and we have to spend a ton of time in a cramped car in the very early morning.”

“But I get to spend the time with my  best friends since birth ! Doesn’t that count for something?”

Virgil smiled softly and playfully kicked his seat. “I guess.”

What could he say? He was weak.

Logan shot him a glance.

_Is today the day?_ he seemed to be asking.

Virgil took a shaky breath before nodding hesitantly. Yes. Today would be the day.

* * *

** three months prior**

_ Logan woke up in the middle of the night with one singular thought on his mind:  I’m gay for my three best friends._

_ It took him a moment to register that thought, and all of its implications._

God _ ,  he realized. _ Not only am I asexual as fuck, but I’m a polyamorous homoromatnic.

My parents are going to fucking kill me.

_ He wondered how long he could hide his feelings- then, realization dawned on him and he kicked himself. He had been hiding these feelings for years, even from himself. Surely he could keep it in just a few more months, or years, or decades, until these feelings went away. _

_ Surely._

_ Turns out, that didn’t end up happening._

_ Instead, about a week later, Logan grabbed Virgil by the front of his hoodie, pulled him into a hall closet, and shoved him against the wall._

_ “Virgil,” he whispered, his voice raspy as if he had been crying, “Virgil, I need to know.”_

_ Virgil was internally panicking. What did Logan need to know? Why did it sound like he was crying? Why did Virgil feel so gay?_

...Fuck.

_He had thought he had squashed those feelings. Those feelings for his  friends . Those feelings for his friends who loved him, but would never love him like  that . Especially not if he was..._

_ He cursed himself._

_ Polyamorous._

_ Was that okay? His family said no. His friends had never addressed it._

_ He wasn’t sure if he wanted them to._

_ Virgil forced himself to bring his attention back to Logan, and his dilemma._

_ He also forced himself to divert his attention away from Logan’s hands grasping the front of his hoodie._

_ “What do you need to know, Lo?”_

_ Logan took a shaky breath._

_ “How would you feel... how would you feel if I told you I was polyamorous?”_

_ Something in Virgil’s stomach stirred._

_ “I would... I would love you. Like always, Logan.”_

_ Logan collapsed into his arms and buried his face into his chest. _

_ Virgil felt his heart flutter. _

_ “You alright Logan?” _

_ The only response was a muffled “yes.”_

_ Virgil swallowed his uneasiness. _

_ “Logan, what if I told you... what if I told you I was polyamorous too?” _

_ A moment went by. Logan lifted his head and put a hand under Virgil’s chin, tilting his head back._

_ A sad smirk played on his lips.“I... I would love you, like always, of course,” he croaked out, leaning in so that their noses touched, “and I think I would tell you...”_

_ His eyes met Virgil’s and it all suddenly clicked._

_ “Roman and Patton?” Virgil asked carefully._

_ Logan nodded hesitantly._

“And...”

_ Virgil saw Logan’s lip twitch and he made a split-second decision. _

_He closed the gap between them._

* * *

Ever since Virgil and Logan confessed to one another, they had been planning and plotting for the perfect chance to tell Roman and Patton how they felt.

Virgil smiled softly at the memory, then brought himself back to reality.

“-and if we get lost on the road,” Patton was saying, “we can always use that, uh, what’s that sailor’s navigational star trick?”

Logan brightened. “You’re thinking of the North Star, also known as the Sirius Star. It’s known for-”

Roman cut him off.

“Hey, Lo, can we pause for a moment? I’m about to make a sharp turn and I don’t want to be distracted, sorry.”

Virgil saw as Logan had a brief moment of being taken aback, and then as he retreated into himself. Subconsciously, he began to hum under his breath. Virgil recognized the tune.

Logan had always gotten intrusive yet persistent thoughts, thoughts of phrases repeated over and over and over again without his conscious knowledge. At some point, each recurring thought gained its own tune, which he would hum without thinking.

Virgil knew them all by heart. He had overheard Logan singing them with the lyrics when he was alone.

He hated this particular one with a passion.

_“I don’t deserve love.”_

As Logan’s nails began to dig into his palms, Virgil did the first thing he could think to do.

“You do deserve love,” he said quietly, grabbing Logan’s hand. “You deserve  _so much_ love.” _And I’ll give it to you._

His unsaid words hung in the air.

Logan stopped humming, only just realizing that he had been, but his nails continued to dig into Virgil’s skin.

Virgil didn’t flinch.

“Sorry,” he said automatically. It took him a second, but he loosened his grip on Virgil’s hand. Virgil shook his head. “It’s okay. You’re okay. We love you.”

The question of _Why?_ danced on Logan’s lips, but he swallowed it.

“Alright. Alright.”

He started humming another tune, one it took Virgil a moment to recognize.

_“I love you.”_

For a moment, Virgil was taken aback by the fact that he could have brought that song to Logan’s mind, but suddenly he was grinning ear to ear like an idiot.

As he laughed into Logan’s shoulder, Patton turned around in the passenger seat. At first, his expression looked hurt, but he quickly covered it with smugness as he snapped a photo of the two in the backseat. Virgil was leaning entirely on Logan, and his face was buried in the crook of his neck. Their hands were still clasped together.

“Are we sure you two aren’t secretly dating?” Patton asked teasingly.  Something else was in his voice too, Virgil realized. Was that bitterness?  _Patton_ _,_ of all people, was bitter?

_Does that mean what I think it means?_ he wondered, immediately shaking the thought from his head.

Logan, meanwhile, answered Patton’s question with a flushed face.

“I- no, Pat. Virge and I are merely comfortable with one another. Do you and Roman have to be dating in order to cuddle during a movie?”

“No,” said Patton, his ears pink, “because we’re both touchy feely. You two...  _aren’t_ . Usually.”

Logan frowned. “Maybe we would be if...”

Roman felt his breath hitch in his throat. “If what?”

There was a silence.

“Nevermind. It was stupid.”

Roman threw his hands up in the air. Patton yelped and glared, and Roman quickly put his hands back on the steering wheel.

“Logan,” he said, “I don’t think anything you say could possibly be stupid.”

“It could, and I can prove it.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “I’m with Roman on this one,” he said, squeezing Logan’s hand. “As long as you don’t say the literal words ‘something stupid,’ then there’s no way.”

“Really?” Logan smiled at the challenge. 

He cleared his throat, and announced to the car: “Remus.”

“Gosh darn it, Logan,” sputtered Roman, laughing. “I can’t believe you managed to say something stupid.”

“See? I’m capable of such a thing.”

Roman seemed to suddenly remember what had started this digression.

“Wait, what were you going to say?”

“Hm?” Logan asked, clearly playing dumb.

“You said you and Virgil might be more touchy feely  if. If what?”

Logan looked out the window.

“Promise you won’t think any less of me?”

Roman nodded insistently, and Virgil smiled reassuringly.

“If you just...  _asked_ .”

A squeal escaped Roman’s throat. “You mean it? All this time and all we had to do was ask?”

Logan’s face flushed bright red. “I- yeah, Princey, of course. I, uh... well, I hate  initiating physical contact, but I’m fine with the contact itself, so long as its coming from someone... someone I’m close to.”

Roman nodded, grinning. “Prepare yourself for _so many_ hugs.” He glanced in the mirror. “You too, emo- I mean, if you’re okay with that, anyway.”

Virgil nodded quickly, then scolded himself.  _You’re getting soft. They’ll notice soon enough._

He took a deep breath and tried to clear his head of Dee’s voice.

_There’s nothing wrong with soft,_ he told himself, thinking of Patton. _And they won’t have to notice._

_I’ll tell them._


	2. Got Called Gay in a Denny’s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil and Roman get called gay in a Denny’s, but not to their faces. (hint: it was the lesbian waitresses chatting in the kitchen)

“Okay,” Logan started, addressing the car, “we have four more hours to drive. It’s five am. Do we want to stop to eat now or wait until we get closer?”

Patton pretended to consider the options. “Hm...”

Before anyone could cast an actual vote, the car swerved off the highway.

Virgil yelped. ”What on  earth are you doing?”

Roman didn’t bat an eye. “There’s a Denny’s over here, my Violent Violet.”

Virgil’s face felt red hot. “Your  what now?”

“What, you don’t like it? I thought you would appreciate being called my pretty flower.”

“My God-“

“Why, yes, my Rosy-Cheeked Rose?”

Logan cleared his throat. “ _Roman_ _._”

“Fine. Sorry, Virgil.”

Virgil muttered something about it being fine, but he bit his lip to keep from giving away just how flustered he was.

_Roman called me his pretty flower._

It shouldn’t have made him feel like this- all fluttery inside. Roman flirted. It’s what he did. It had nothing to do with  Virgil  specifically.

At least, that’s what Virgil told himself.

“So... we’re going to eat now?” Logan asked.

Patton shrugged. “I mean... since were already off the highway... we may as well... stop for food...”

“Exactly,” agreed Roman. “Now, to Denny’s!

* * *

_ Virgil and Roman had known eachother since they were kids, but Virgil never felt like he really  knew Roman until the freshman homecoming dance. They had always bickered, that was normal, but it wasn’t normal for Roman to lash out at him completely. _

_ “Look who  doesn’t have a date,” Virgil had teased. “And after all that big talk, it was just a bunch of hot air.” _

_ Roman clenched his fists. “Oh, fuck off, Virgil.” _

_ He hadn’t expected that. “What? I was just saying-“ _

_ He never finished that sentence. Roman’s fist hit his jaw with a sickening sound, and Virgil swore. _

_ “Son of a bitch, Roman, what was that about?” _

_ At least, that had been what he had meant to say. It came out like gibberish, but Roman seemed to understand. _

_ “Oh, God- I’m sorry, Virgil. I wasn’t thinking. Here, I’ll help you.” _

_ Roman had him sit down, then gently wiped off the blood from his lips. _

_Virgil couldn’t help but notice how soft his hands were. His fingers brushed over Virgil’s skin so delicately, far more delicately than Virgil had expected from the rough-and-_ _tumble boy._

_Although this was hardly the time for it, Virgil found himself wondering if Roman’s lips were just as soft and delicate..._

What the-

No. No no no no.

_Virgil tried to distract himself from these new and unwelcome thoughts._

_“I obviously said something that upset you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-“_

_Roman cut him off. “I know you didn’t mean to. It’s not your fault.”_

_It was quiet. Not wanting to be left alone with his thoughts, Virgil tried again._

_“What happened?”_

_Roman sighed._

_“That’s... a tiring story. I don’t want to waste your time.”_

_Virgil glanced towards the dance floor, where Patton was having the time of his life, and Logan seemed content to watch._

_“Nah,” he said, turning back to Roman, “I’ve got plenty of time.”_

_Roman took a deep breath. “Alright. You know Remy?”_

_“Remy Morpheus?”_

_“That’s the one.”_

_“Yeah, I know him. What about him?”_

_“He was going to be my homecoming date.”_

_Virgil’s eyes widened. “You- you’re gay.”_

_“Yeah,” Roman chuckled. “Thanks for noticing_ _.”_

_Virgil cringed. “Sorry, that came out wrong. I didn’t expect there to be two of us in the same _ _friend group.”_

_Roman’s eyes widened with understanding. “Oh. Well, you should know, gays travel in packs.”_

_Virgil chuckled. “I guess we do.”_

_A moment passed._

_“What happened?” Virgil asked. “With Remy? Did he ditch you? I swear, I’ll-”_

_“No, he didn’t ditch me. His... his dad found out.”_

Oh.

_“His dad’s...”_

_ “ Very homophobic,” Roman said sourly. _

_“That’s horrible,” was all Virgil could manage to say._

_ “Yeah. Makes me wonder what would happen if  my dad found out...” _

_Virgil suddenly understood._

_“Oh God. Roman, I’m sorry.”_

_Roman shrugged it off. “Don’t be.”_

_”Just... fuck homophobes.”_

_They say quietly together for a minute. Then, i_ _mpulsively, Virgil scrambled to his feet and held out his hand to pull Roman up._

_“Roman Prince, may I have this dance?” he asked, eyes sparkling._

_Roman gave him the softest smile he’d ever seen. “Hell yeah.”_

* * *

“Hey, can we get a booth for four please?”

The waitress looked up, as if surprised. “Oh, yeah, sure thing. Y’all want kids menus?”

Logan started to say “No,” but before he could, both Roman and Patton smiled wide and nodded.

”Yes, please!”

“Alrighty then. Follow me.”

She led them to a booth, where they all filed in. Logan and Roman on one side, Virgil and Patton on the other.

“Here’s the kids menus and crayons,” she said, setting them down on the edge of the table. “My girlfriend will be over in a minute to take your order.”

”Thank you,” said Logan. She nodded and walked away.

There was a brief moment of quiet as she left, and then Patton burst out, “Coloring contest!”

The kids menus and crayons were distributed amongst the four of them, and, despite some grumbling from Logan, everyone nodded when Patton asked if they were ready.

It took about five minutes for the coloring to spiral out of control.

Roman had snapped his purple crayon and, in a desperate attempt to finish his artwork, stole Virgil’s.

This was a poorly thought out move, because Virgil’s hand came slamming down on top of Roman’s, and the second purple crayon broke as well.

Virgil scowled. “Bitch.”

Patton swatted at him. “Language!”

Roman frowned.  “Not very creative today, are we, hetero?”

“You take that the fuck back-”

“I- yeah, that was too far. My most sincere apologies, O beautiful homo.”

Virgil’s face twisted into some unrecognizable emotion. Roman assumed it must have been disgust.

_ Figures. _

“Somehow it’s almost worse for the names to be endearing,” Virgil said shortly, rolling his eyes.

Roman looked closer at his face. Maybe it wasn’t disgust, after all... maybe it was-

Embarrassment?

_ Oh God, _ thought Roman, _ I’ve  got to fluster him. _

“Oh, come on, Short Dark and Handsome, surely it can’t be that bad?”

Virgil sputtered. “I can’t even take real compliments, Roman, much less  _ fake _ ones!”

_ Fake? _

_ He thinks they’re fake? _

_ I’ve been hitting on him for  four years and he thinks I’m joking. _

“What do you mean, ‘ fake’  compliments?”

“God, Roman, you flirt like a broken record, with anyone and everyone. We all know there’s no substance to it.”

_ “No, I don’t flirt with anyone and everyone,”  _ Roman wanted to say.  _ “Just you three.” _

Instead, he settled for, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“Have you considered-”

Roman stopped himself, but Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Have I considered...?”

_ That maybe I like you, dumbass. All of you. _

“Have you considered that maybe I mean it?” he flirted with false confidence. Internally, he cursed himself for being so vulnerable.

Virgil rolled his eyes.

”But you _don’t_.”


	3. The Bathroom

_“But you don’t.”_

The words echoed in Roman’s head. It was a complete lie, but Virgil clearly didn’t think so.

One of them was an idiot. Roman wasn’t quite sure if it was Virgil, for not realizing Roman liked him, or Roman, for not realizing Virgil didn’t reciprocate.

He had been  _so sure_ that Virgil liked him. Patton, too. Hell, he had even been getting good signs from Logan. But maybe he was just being too hopeful. Too optimistic. Too... desperate.

He shook the thought from his head. If today was going to go according to plan, he would need to be confident. Besides, he would find out his friends’ feelings soon enough.

His shoulders loosened and he prepared himself to respond to Virgil.

“Why would you think that?”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “God you’re obtuse.”

And with that, he excused himself from the table and walked quickly to the bathroom.

Roman made a move to follow him, but Logan grabbed his wrist. “Don’t,” he said softly.

“I- I didn’t mean to scare him off,” Roman insisted, choking on his words. “I need to know that he’s okay. That we’re okay.”

Logan avoided meeting his eyes, but offered a sympathetic smile. “I know how you feel, but trust me on this one. He’s not upset, he just needs to... calm down. Collect himself.”

“How do you know?”

Logan wasn’t sure how to answer that. He couldn’t exactly say,  _ Oh, yeah, sorry about that, he’s just blushing so fiercely under his makeup that he wants to touch up. Oh, and he’s been experiencing Gay Panic ever since you called him your Violent Violet. Plus, the poor boy’s already an anxious mess and you’re  teasing him with his hopes and dreams. _

“Like I said,” he repeated coolly, “trust me on this one.”

Roman shifted uneasily in his seat, but noddedreluctantly. “If you say so, Lo.”

Patton took his chance to speak up and brighten the mood. “Let’s see the drawings!”

Logan and Roman complied.

Logan had sketched rough profiles of Patton, Roman, and Virgil. They were drawn in a way that looked... almost mathematical.

“Sorry, it’s rough, I know...” he muttered. Patton just smiled widely. “It looks great, Logan! I love it!”

Roman nodded in sincere agreement, and Patton turned to him.

“Show us yours, Princey.”

Roman held up his menu. He had drawn a cartoony version of the four of them speeding down the highway.

“It’s our road trip,” he explained.

Logan nodded. “It- I very much like it, Roman. Good job.”

Roman felt his heart flip. He wondered if Logan knew how much that simple comment meant to him.

“Thank you very much, Logan the lovely,” he cooed.

Realizing what he had said, he looked away from Logan and quickly turned to Patton. “Your turn.”

“Oh, mine’s not nearly as nice as yours. Here.” He handed it to them and they looked it over.

It was a stick figure drawing of all of them together. Roman smiled; all of their drawings had been of their group.

_I hope someday I can say ‘my boyfriends’ instead of ‘our group,’_ he thought dreamily.

“It looks  lovely ,” said Logan, jolting Roman back to reality.

Roman gave a nod of agreement. “It really does.”

Patton laughed. “Thanks, you guys.”

There was a pause, and Roman frowned.

“Virgil’s been gone a while. Shouldn’t he be back by now?”

He aimed the question at Logan, who he figured would assure him that it hadn’t been that long.

Instead, Logan looked worried. “I- I don’t know.”

“Can I go check on him?” It came out sounding like a plea, but Roman didn’t care.

Logan nodded slowly. “Yes. Just... be sure that you give him space, if he needs it.”

Roman gave a thumbs-up and took off running to the bathroom. He needed to know that Virgil was okay.

_I don’t think I could live with myself if I hurt him_ _ again . _

He threw open the bathroom door and heard Virgil’s ragged breathing from one of the stalls. It was unlocked, but Roman knocked anyway.

The breathing got quiet.

“Virge, it’s me,” said Roman. “Look, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to run you off.”

“You’re fine,” came the raspy reply.

“But are  _you_ ?” he blurted.

No answer.

Roman began to panic. “Virgil-”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m- I’m fine, Roman, really. It’s just an attack.”

_Anxiety_, thought Roman bitterly.  _I should’ve known._

“God, Virgil, I’m sorry. Do- do you want me to go?”

Virgil scrambled to his feet and opened the stall door. “Please don’t,” he managed to say.

It got very,  _very_ quiet as Virgil stared pleadingly at Roman.

Roman didn’t know how to respond. Virgil was a vulnerable mess- there were streaks of mascara and eyeshadow trailing down his face, and his hair was ruffled in a way that made Roman think he had been pulling at it. Even his hoodie was more crumpled than usual.

“I mean,” he continued, “God, I can’t believe I’m going to ask this, but- but can you stay with me? Maybe talk to me to- to distract me?”

Roman felt himself melt.

“Of course, Virge. Is it alright if I-?”

Virgil nodded as his breathing sped up again.

Roman pulled Virgil closer to him, and Virgil buried his face in Roman’s chest. He let out a sob, and Roman squeezed him gently.

“Virgil,” he murmured in his ear, “Virgil, darling, I love you. You’re going to be alright. Everything’s gonna be alright. I’m sorry that this is happening. I’m sorry that I caused this. God, I hate m- I hate that I caused this. But I love you, and you’re going to get through this. It’s alright.”

_What can I talk about to distract him?_

In the brief moment that he paused to think, he felt Virgil grip him tightly around the waist.

“I- I’m gay,” he blurted. “I mean, you know that. But. It’s the easiest thing for me to think of to talk about. Uh, yeah, so I’m gay. And polyamorous.” _Shit._ “And did I mention gay?”

He took a deep breath.

“When I first realized I was poly and gay... I was twelve, and I was fine with it. I was happy about it, and I was ready to find my true loves. My mom supported me wholeheartedly. But she- she told me not to come out. Especially not to my father.

“I thought it wouldn’t be too hard. I was only at my father’s for a few days a month, anyway. And then- and then-“

A lump formed in his throat.

“And then my mom... well, you know the story. She died.”

He felt Virgil let out a deep breath, and he took that as a sign to keep going.

“It was cancer. She had known for a year, but we didn’t have the money for treatment, so she never told me. I don’t blame her; I was twelve. But after that, I didn’t know what to do. I moved in with my father and Remus.”

He paused, wondering how vulnerable he was willing to be. _You know what? Fuck it._

”It was- it was hell. My father... you know what, I’m going to say it. My father is a homophobic ass.”

Virgil squeezed him comfortingly.

“And as much as I dislike Remus... I felt bad for him. I- I’ve never told anyone this, but I think... I think my father was abusive to him. And then there’s the fact that he’s nearly as gay as me, and he’s got a boyfriend now-”

“I know.” Virgil’s voice was muffled by Roman’s shirt.

“How-”

There was a pause.

“He’s dating Dee, Roman.”


	4. Everything You Could Have Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~flashbacks, jazz hands~

“He’s  _what_ ?!” demanded Roman. “Why, that no good brother of mine has gone too far this time! I ought to-”

“No! He’s fine.”

“How can it possibly be fine for him to be dating your...“

He trailed off. “Is Dee your ex now, then?”

Virgil frowned. “Yeah. I guess he is.”

There was a pause before Virgil continued. “But it  _ can _ be fine because I specifically gave him my blessing, okay? He was crushing  hard,  and Dee clearly reciprocated. I know how that feels. It’s not like Dee and I were ever going to get back together anyway. Not after...”

Roman grimaced. He didn’t know the full story, but from what he had picked up...

* * *

_“Can I say that I love you yet, darling? Are we there yet?”_

_Virgil mumbled something back. His head was resting in Dee’s lap, Dee was playing with his hair, andoverall, he was very content to close his eyes and nap while Dee reread Pride and Prejudice._

_Dee, however, persisted._

_“I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, V, but I want to be honest with you. Honest and loving.”_

_Virgil laughed and swatted at Dee, who smiled. “You of all people want to be honest? That’s a bit of a stretch, babe.”_

_“I’m serious, Virgil.”_

_Virgil sighed._

_“Look... Dee, there’s- there’s something I haven’t told you. And I don’t want you to say that you love me until you know.”_

_Dee raised one of his eyebrows._

_“You know you can tell me anything, right?”_

_ “I know, I know, I just... I don’t even know how  _ I _ feel about it.” _

_“Then you can take your time. I can wait for you, Virge. I will always wait for you.”_

_Guilt was wearing a hole in Virgil’s chest. Dee trusted him so much, loved him so much, and he responded by keeping secrets._

_He sat up and faced Dee. “I’ll tell you now.”_

_“You don’t have to-”_

_“No. I will. And... if you don’t want to be with me after this-”_

_“Nonsense,” insisted Dee, cupping his face. He leaned in and pecked Virgil’s lips, sending a chill through Virgil’s body._

_Virgil took a deep breath._

_“I think I’m polyamorous.”_

_Dee’s hand seemed to go cold on the side of Virgil’s face._

_“Poly...amorous?” he asked, clearly unfamiliar with the term. “Like, poly as in many and amor as in... love... Virgil, is this just a fancy way of saying you’re cheating on me?”_

_He didn’t sound mad. He sounded... concerned._

_ Virgil shook his head quickly. “No! Dee, I would  _ never _ . I swear-” _

_“Oh God,” said Dee, as if he had just realized what he had asked. “God, I know- I know you would never do something like that, Virgil. I’m sorry I even suggested such a thing. I wasn’t thinking. I just... I don’t know what that word means, and you’ve got me on edge with all your ominous buildup.”_

_ “Sorry. It, uh- it means that I want- or at least, I’m open to- a romantic relationship with more than one person. And before you ask, no, having more people in a relationship doesn’t devalue the love I have for any one of those people .” _

_ That last sentence left an unsaid implication in the air, and Virgil silently hoped Dee picked up. He wanted him to know that  he loved him. _

_Dee looked thoughtful, but other than that, his expression was blank._

_“You said you didn’t know how you felt about this yourself?”_

_“I... I don’t know if it’s okay. I know it’s stupid, because I am how I am, and I can’t change that, but my family raised me to think that it’s inherently bad...”_

_Dee wrapped his arm around Virgil and squeezed his shoulder. “It sounds like you need to work that out with yourself first, then.”_

_Virgil flinched. “I told you that you wouldn’t want to be with me after I told you,” he said quietly._

_Dee’s nose scrunched. “What? No, no, you’ve got it all wrong, Virgil. I’ve never wanted to be with you more than I do right now. But... I also know that it takes time to work stuff out for yourself, and sometimes that’s best to do on your own. I found that out the hard way. I don’t want... I don’t want you to have to go through what I did. Plus, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I... never knew polyamorous was an option.”_

_“I- Dee, are you sure?”_

_“Yes, Virgil. Let’s... we can take a break. It’s only temporary. And when we get back together, maybe then we’ll be there.”_

_“Be where?”_

_Dee grinned. “At the point that I can tell you that I love you. And maybe... where you could even say it back.”_

_Virgil couldn’t help but smile. He nodded slowly and stood up to go._

_As he stepped through the doorway, he paused._

_“Thank you, Dee. For understanding.“_

_Dee smiled softly. “Of course.”_

_Virgil turned to leave._

_“Wait!”_

_He stopped in his tracks._

_Dee stood up and walked briskly behind him._

_“May we part like lovers?” he asked carefully, slipping his hand around Virgil’s waist and pulling him closer._

_Virgil grinned and raised his eyebrows. “I suppose that’s not too much to ask.”_

_Dee closed his eyes and, with traces of a smirk still dancing on his lips, he leaned in and kissed Virgil._

_Virgil kissed back._

_It was a while before they parted, almost as if they knew what was coming._

_When Virgil finally did step out the door, though, he failed to realize that this would be the last time he saw Dee in such a positive light for a _very_ long time._

* * *

_Virgil had actually thought that things might work out. He had been repressing feelings for his three best friends for a while now, and Dee seemed happy to wait for him to get a handle on everything, so he let himself be._

_That is, until the fateful day that marked the point of no return._

_God he wished he could go back._

_Dee was a medical mess. Virgil had always known that._

_His most significant health problem was type 3 Ushers syndrome, which meant that, at some point during his adolescence, he would lose most of his hearing and vision._

_All his life, he had been prepared for that. He learned ASL, Braille, how to live without sight- everything that they could possibly teach him to soften the blow of his eventual loss of two senses._

_He had been telling himself that it hadn’t started yet, despite the clear increase in difficulty seeing._

_It wasn’t until he was hit by a car that he hadn’t seen coming that he finally accepted that it had begun._

_He was hospitalized for a fracture, a break, and a possible concussion._

_It had been two months since he and Virgil had decided to take a break, and they hadn’t seen each other since, so he wasn’t sure whether or not to expect Virgil to visit him._

_He was secretly hoping that maybe he would._

_Just maybe._

_Virgil came as soon as he heard, which was at eleven o’clock the night of, three hours after Dee got to the hospital._

_Dee was asleep when Virgil knocked on the door._

_Virgil sat in the bedside chair with a bouquet of lavender and daffodils, waiting for Dee to wake up._

_His mind was running through all of the horrible possibilities. What if Dee never fully recovered? What if Dee didn’t want to see him? What if the flowers were overstepping boundaries?_

_Dee rolled over and rubbed his eyes. “Virge? Is that you?”_

_Virgil nodded, already struggling not to cry._

_“Yeah, Dee, it’s me.”_

_“Are you really here? Or am I just dreaming?”_

_Virgil’s voice caught in his throat. “It’s really me.”_

_Dee smiled. “I’ve missed you, V.”_

_“I- I’ve missed you too.”_

_There was a pause and Virgil suddenly remembered the flowers._

_“Uh, here,” he said quickly, holding them out to Dee, “I brought these for you.”_

_“God, you shouldn’t have. I just fractured a rib and broke my leg.”_

_“That’s- Dee, are you dense?”_

_Dee glanced around himself. “Am I what now?”_

_ “Oh my gosh, you  _ are _ dense.” _

_“What? What am I missing?”_

_Virgil rubbed his temples._

_“Dee,” he said, carefully standing up and taking Dee’s good hand, “I... I love you.”_

_Virgil’s heart dropped as he watched Dee’s face pale._

_“You should go,” he said coldly, pulling his hand away and avoiding Virgil’s eyes._

_“What?”_

_“You heard me. Go.”_

_Virgil didn’t move. He was too stunned. Dee sat up in his bed and threw the flowers down._

_ “I said  _ go_!” he screamed. _

_Virgil scrambled back, tears welling up in his eyes. As his anxiety set in, he took off running, out the door and down the hall._

I have to get out of here, _he thought desperately._ I have to get away. Away from here. Away from  _him._

And _never_ look back.

* * *

That had been the plan, at least, but  _God_ is it hard to not look back at everything you had.

Everything you _could have_ had.


End file.
